Sex, Consent and the Gospel

It’s Father’s Day week and there are lots of things dads can do for their kids but the one crucial one is helping them apply the good news of the gospel to every part of their lives - including relating with the opposite sex and sex itself. Over the past four weeks the litany of stories in the media of men abusing women has been distressing. What is more distressing of course is that this is nothing new and nothing is changing. We've just heard about it a bit more. The vast majority of assaults are never reported. BOSCAR data indicates that only about 10% are reported, of those that are reported only 7% lead to convictions and 1 in 5 women (1 in 16 men) have experienced sexual violence since their 15th birthday.

Everyone is grasping for solutions. I don’t have one. But I do have some thoughts on consent for dads and indeed all of us.

First speak up and live out consent. I read in the paper this week, and regularly hear from women, that they are tired of being the ones who speak up about these issues. End Rape on Campus founder Sharna Bremner described the way women and girls are exhausted by the relentless headlines, the reality that they are often lone voices on the issue and that a significant proportion of the male population knows what consent is but does not care.

So, if you are a dad, don’t leave talking about sex, consent and godliness to the kids’ mum. It’s got to be a shared responsibility so the importance of this is seen and known and lived in the family. This also means you must model respect and consent daily in your home and with the women around you. How you look at, speak to, speak about and touch your wife and other women will have an impact on your children. They learn from every single thing you do and often our actions speak louder than our words. Know too that you should be talking about consent with your kids before they hit school age. These early conversations about respect, body, touch, personal space and privacy, lay the groundwork for bigger conversations about sex later.  

And this is not just for dads. If you are a guy, you also need to speak up about these issues and live out respect for all the women around you everyday. This is not someone else’s problem, this is our problem. I know that sometimes in some settings it feels like you are not allowed to but sometimes doing what is right means making ourselves uncomfortable and perhaps even a target for hate. Former AFL player Mitch Brown shared his experience of this in the SMH this week. He said that after speaking up about how being a good man privately is not enough, and that culture is shaped by what men challenge and support publicly and in rooms where women aren’t present, he was targeted with hate and threatening messages. “There are so many acts of violence and disrespect to women every single day, and as men it’s our responsibility to stamp this out and fix the problem,” he said.

None of these people are Christian as far as I know but they are speaking common sense. The reality is that your kids will learn from what you say and don’t say about consent; they will learn from what you do and don’t do in the area of consent; and if you leave them without guardrails they may be left to learn consent from the dark parts of the online world. 

For all of us, if your friends don’t hear your voice, and see your behaviour, they cannot know your view. David Morrison, former chief of the army said truthfully, "the standard you walk past is the standard you accept.” If you hear even a hint of misogyny, speak up. And before you hear a hint, start conversations among friends about consent, misogyny, dignity and the value of every human. Make it clear among your friends and family that all non-consensual sexual activity is always wrong. Full stop. End of story. 

Beautifully, while the world is grasping for help, we Christians already have a perfect narrative that gives us room to speak on this. It’s Genesis 1:27 - “So God created mankind in his own image, in the image of God he created them; male and female he created them.” Every person is created in the image of God. Every person is created equal in the sight of God. Every person is created worthy of love and dignity in the sight of God. There is just no room for non-consensual touching or sexual activity or violence against anyone nor is there room for misogyny, misandry or hatred of any person. Christian theology stands against it. God stands against it. And unsurprisingly Jesus speaks against it in the story of the Good Samaritan (Luke 10:25-37). We need to be obedient to his voice and go and do as the man who loved his neighbour did.

Secondly, recognise that consent is just part of the conversation. In 2024 when we did the Song of Songs series, Brie Pattison gave the most extraordinary theological exposition of consent. In a short reflection Brie made the point that “consent is a really low bar”. If I have a desire and the only question I ask about whether I can fulfill the desire with another person is “are you OK with this?”, I am shortchanging myself, the other person, God and the gospel.

As Christians we are interested in so much more than just permission. We are interested in what is good for the other person even before we consider what is good for ourselves. So we should be willing to sacrifice what we want in order to achieve what is good for another. And more than that, we sacrifice our own desires in order to submit to the will of God. Our desires need to be constantly reined in to be ordered by God’s wisdom and word. Jesus said “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me.” (Mark 8:34)

In her reflection, Brie went on to say:      

Our job is to seek people's good not just their “yes” because that's what love looks like. Love isn't flowers and chocolates but love really is willing the good of another person, thinking about someone else and working so that their experience is as good as you hope yours to be. [...] Imagine if we cared more about what was good for the other person than our own satisfaction. I think what the gospel does for us is that it [...] tells us that consent is the floor not the ceiling. It tells us that we need more than just a yes; we need to care about the other person's good. 

And as we seek someone's good not just their “yes” I think almost always it's important to realise that willing the good of the other person is almost always expressed in choosing not to do something that we might like to do for the sake of the other person. That's what it looks like to honor God and to honor the other person instead of just honoring our own desires. It's a much higher bar isn't it, seeking someone's good not just their yes. But I think as Christian people, [...] we come to know the one who loved us without restraint and we also know the one who forgives us without restraint and it's there that we find the power and the hope to love like this and to really seek one another's good.

If all we look for is consent, if all we teach our kids is consent, if all we talk about together is consent, we are just dealing with part of the issue. We need to ask the bigger and more important and more powerful questions: are my desires and actions seeking the good of the other, seeking obedience to God, seeking what is best for myself.  

Please also know that I am not only speaking to unmarried people as I write about consent. All that has been said here applies equally in marriage. Husbands must love and respect their wives always. It is non-negotiable to model respect for your wife both in front of your kids and when you are alone, and to seek her good daily. It is non-negotiable to show gentleness and respect in every context in marriage everyday and to take no as no in marriage. The wearing of a wedding ring does not mean consent has been given for you to fulfill your every desire. 

What might all this look like? Well here is a story relayed to me by one of the women at church this week.

I don’t know all the details, but I recently heard about an incident on a Sydney beach when a young woman was sitting alone on her towel and was approached by a much older man who sat next to her and started talking to her. Nearby another man - a dad - was sitting with his wife (they’d come with their kids, who were in the water, swimming). The dad noticed the young woman looking increasingly uncomfortable - clearly the older man’s presence and conversation were not welcomed. Very quietly, the dad got up and approached the young woman, keeping a respectful distance, and spoke to her in a friendly and familiar manner which suggested to the older man that the dad knew her. He pointed out his wife sitting nearby and his kids in the water and suggested the young woman come over and join them - she did. He didn’t know her, but he was a dad and without making a scene or causing embarrassment he offered the young woman a way out to safety.

Perhaps this is an example of the kind of thing you could do to make a difference and to show your kids what matters.

So much more could be said. But let me encourage the dads, and all of us, to start with something. Start a conversation. Think about what you are modelling in your household. Think theologically about this. Talk biblically about consent. Encourage godliness daily. Demand it of yourself. Seek the good of others. Work to keep in step with the Spirit. Walk worthily of the Lord. Hear the word of the Lord. Pursue the wisdom of the Lord. Pray that you might be the person Jesus wants you to be. Ensure your words are words that contain truth and words that matter.

The hearts of the wise make their mouths prudent,

    and their lips promote instruction. (Proverbs 16:23)